The Messy, Wonderful Thing Called Love

Love. It's such a confusing thing, isn't it? I say I want it more than anything. I think it'll give my life meaning, anchor me to something real. But then, it's also like stepping into a storm on purpose. I know it'll shake me up, turn everything upside down, and leave me wondering who I even am when it's gone.

Photo by self-documentation, taken on 19/12/2021 in front of the Centre Pompidou in Paris, France

But why him? Why is it his face I see when I close my eyes, his voice I imagine when I drift into sleep? It is not just the physical desire, though that is there, loud and unrelenting. It's more like he's taken up residence in my head and heart. He's there even when he's not.

For me, love isn't about big, showy moments. It's the tiny things that feel huge. The way he tilts his head when he's thinking, his laugh, how he types on his computer so fast, the way he puts effort into his salad, the exact way he smiles. Things nobody else would even notice, but I hold onto them like precious secrets.

I've tried to figure it out. Maybe I want him because he reminds me of the person I want to be. More open, more vulnerable, more... alive. Maybe it's because the world can feel so cold, and he's proof that someone can actually matter this much. Or maybe I'm just built to need this, to want a connection that feels bigger than me.

I know love is messy. It's not the fairytale they tell you about as a kid, or even the perfect romances you see in movies (though, looking back, sometimes it kinda is). It's unpredictable. It can be uncomfortable. It asks for a lot. It shows you all the flaws, his and mine. But even knowing all that, I'm drawn to him. I crave whatever it is that we have.

So why do I want love so much? Maybe because, despite all the risks and the unknowns, it makes life feel important, real. And why him? Because he makes that feeling of love something I can almost touch, something I'm willing to risk everything for.

That's the thing about love. It's not perfect. It's not easy. But it's worth it. To love and be loved, that's the whole point, right? At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

I am Adrian Bex, an eternal believer of love.