No Longer a Repressed Homosexual

I was born and raised in a conservative society where one religion dominated the cultural norms of the entire nation. I discovered my attraction to men at an early age, as early as elementary school, just before 2010. I continued my education through to my bachelor's degree before leaving the country. Through my lens, I can share what it was like to live as a young gay man in what I experienced as a repressive society.

The infinite recognition (1963) by Rene Magritte, copyright of Rene Magritte. Obtained from https://www.wikiart.org/en/rene-magritte/the-infinite-recognition-1963

I Had Nobody To Talk About It

I often think back to when I was just a kid, 12 years old, and realizing I liked boys. Not in the way my friends talked about girls. This was different. We're talking about the time before 2010, in a place where one religion shaped everything. Nobody talked about this stuff. My teachers only taught about relationships between men and women. My parents never even mentioned love or sex. There was nothing, nowhere, to help me understand what I was feeling.

The internet was still pretty new where I lived. But when I did get online, it was a whole new world. I learned the words "gay" and "homosexual." But most of what I found said it was a disease. I even looked for ways to "cure" it. Then I read about HIV/AIDS. It had been a huge thing in the 90s, killing so many people. It scared me to death.

But then there was the other side of the internet. Articles, mostly from the U.S., said being gay was normal, that it had been around forever, all over the world. There were groups standing up for gay youth, saying "love is love." I discovered Lady Gaga, this amazing singer who was so different. Her song "Born This Way" made me feel like it was okay to be different.

These two sides, the good and the bad, fought it out in my head for years. I kept it all inside, hoping I'd be strong enough to handle it.

Feeling Guilty

The religion I was raised in said gay people were bad, that God had punished them in the past. The holy book we used had stories about it. My religious teachers talked about it all the time. It stuck with me, even when I wanted it to go away. It was a teaching that was difficult to get rid of.

As I got older, I just wanted to know and understand more. The internet was the only place I could explore this. I looked at pictures and videos. I tried to find other guys online who felt the same. I felt guilty every time, but I couldn't stop. The guilt was always there, but I learned to live with it.

High school was the hardest time. It wasn't just about other people accepting me, it was about me accepting myself. I couldn't live with this conflict forever, being torn between who I was and who they said I should be. I decided to embrace who I was, at least on the inside. But then what? What could I do?

High school was three more years, and I couldn't find anyone else who felt the same way. The best option was to just blend in. Because if you stood out, if you were found out, the punishment was terrifying and humiliating. I just kept wishing things could be different.

Accepting and Running Away

I picked a university far away from home, almost 1000 kilometers. I thought it would be better. But it wasn't, not really. I heard about two students who got in trouble for being together. They were forced into some kind of "correction" program. I never knew what happened to them, but I wished I could have talked to them.

But I kept learning. Books and movies showed me that gay people could be happy. I started to let go of the guilt.

Then I met two friends who had similar stories. I started meeting more people who were struggling, just like me. Some were still fighting it, some were hiding it, and some were just being themselves.

In my last year of college, I fell in love with a man. It was my first real relationship. It was new, but it was wonderful. I finally understood that love is love. In 2021, I got a scholarship to study in Europe.

(Still) Finding A New Home

Europe, especially Belgium, was perfect for me. I chose to be in a place that felt right, or maybe it chose me. I started to be kinder to myself, and I want to give back to this place that has given me so much. It wasn't easy getting here. There were still struggles with identity, and practical problems like visas and money. But for the first time, I felt like I was home.

I changed my name officially.  I am no longer "Muhammad Hayyu Mahabbah", I am "Adrian Raksunu Bex". I am studying master in business economics (accounting), finally something that I really like and am good at. I learn new language every other evenings. I fell in love. I am making friends. I am establishing a new life. It is still not easy, often with hiccups. But, I'm content with how my life turns out to be now.

Nevertheless, no one should have to go through all that guilt and fear like what I, or many others, experienced. No one should feel like they don't belong. Everyone deserves love and acceptance. That's the kind of world we need to build. A world where everyone can feel at home, just being who they are.